sober I'm sad

While visiting Prague last week I promised to a Czech friend of mine that I would write something about this project in English too, so here you go! It feels very different and kind of weird to change the language but I'll do my best to sum some essentials up.

The point of this blog is that I quit drinking, now 3 weeks and 2 days ago.
The reason for me to quit was the realisation of how big of a problem drinking actually is to me. And has been for roughly 10 years, more or less. I had had doubts about it but I never really wanted to admit the  problem and wanted to keep on getting drunk as often as I could, as I've always loved to be drunk so much! And I've been mostly happy drunk, but it was when I discovered that I was unhappy while being sober (hence the name of the blog, selvänä olen surullinen/sober I'm sad) I felt a big, sudden and clear need to change that. To change the habit of 'drinking yourself happy' which hadn't always worked for me either for quite a while.

Some alcoholic beverages from last summer.

I didn't quit drinking totally. My first intention was to not drink until 1st of May, which is my all time favourite celebration day, the carnival that launches the summer. But as this project has started to work overwhelmingly well,
I've been nothing but happier and happier for these 3 weeks that I haven't touched alcohol, I've kept thinking I might not WANT to drink even then. We will see. I don't think I'm happier now just because I quit drinking but for the first time in ages I feel that I'm doing something good for myself, I've taken the initiative to make myself feel better and to love myself. Loving yourself is the fucking most important thing in your life in order to really love anybody or anything else, and I've never really been able to love me.

I miss parties and the good times with alcohol, when I haven't overkilled with it, but I'm really afraid of falling back to the reckless, idiotic, self-harming and depressing way of drinking again. Just a few days ago I realised that not drinking is rather essential for my mental health a well. Two years ago, during the latest great depression of mine, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, preventing the symptoms of which doesn't really go hand in hand with reckless usage of alcohol. That again is something that I was well aware of but didn't really want to acknowledge. Better late than never though.

To drink or not to drink?
For me there is really no more options than either drink as much as is available or not to drink at all. It's been rather scary to realise that even my body has hardly any limits with consuming alcohol. I hardly ever feel sick, no matter how a lot of everything possible I have poured down my throat. I wish I could eventually learn to drink just a little.
But as long as it's all or nothing I have to keep on with the nothing.

In this picture we have cow's blood and milk.

A week after I quit drinking the idea of writing a blog about the process hit me and I started to write, mainly for myself to clear my head thoroughly but also to make it sort of more real by sharing my thoughts and stories of my stupid deeds under the influence of alcohol. And it's been somewhat a success actually. At least for myself!

Writing this post in English took me ages, so it's not very likely I will keep writing much in English, especially as my life is getting somewhat boringly serene and balanced!


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